One from the archives

I’m not sure what made me remember this, but this is an actual email that was sent around to everyone in my entire company  (approx 200 people, exec staff and board included).

From: Victoria (name redacted)
Sent: Wednesday, 3 August 2005 3:29 PM
To: Electricity Company (Vic Staff)
Subject: Dog Cone

Hi Everybody,

I was hoping at lest one person might be able to help me?

I have a big dumb Doberman with no brain, he keeps licking his him self were his not meant 2.

The only solution is to put a cone on his head.

I was hoping that someone might have one that I could borrow? I’m willing to pay for it, I didn’t really want 2 buy a new one cos they cost $70. If anyone can help me out please let me know?

Thank you

Viktoria in Sales Support

I love the crazy grammar, seriousness of “the ONLY solution…”, and the fact that she’s prepared to pay to borrow something because she doesn’t want to pay for it.

And is it Viktoria or Victoria? I’m thinking the big dumb doberman isn’t the only one with no brain in that household.

Bye.

Sunday.

Things I’d like to be doing with my Sunday (today):

• Play Oblivion
• Go to the gym
• Eat fish & chips
• Write strongly worded letters to small business owners about their operation hours
• Iron
• Go car shopping
• Read through old IRC logs and relive past witticisms
• Drink one beer
• Practice one-armed push ups so girls will be very impressed
• Update my WordPress
• Drink one more beer. Maybe.
• Watch ‘Today’ and tweet about it
• Pace around my room muttering
• Go to Brumby’s and get a PIE and take it back to my room and eat it while watching old Family Guy episodes
• Stalk hot girls from highschool on Facebook but don’t add them because that would be creepy
• Not watch a weekend Today special on Prince Harry’s birthday
• Not think about Prince Harry at all for any reason.
• Not think about redheads unless one catches my eye while trawling Redtube
• Make nachos before my sour cream expires (whether I want them or not)
• Find some way to see Leila McKinnon naked

What I am doing with my Sunday:

• Sitting in the Battalion duty room, in uniform, in case someone calls needing a lift to or from the airport.

What some people in the world are doing with their Sunday:

• Dying
• Not eating for whatever reason
• Getting a limb amputated

I’m still going to complain. Waah.

In general

I have been officially removed from officer training and have become a private soldier. While I know it was the right decision to make I still get the occasional pang of ‘ZOMG HAVE I RUINED MY LIFE WAKBAEFHKBGEKAB’ but I think it’s because I’m adjusting and because my former classmates are about to graduate.

I’m currently at the Army Logistics Training Centre (ALTC) in Bandiana, VIC (on the border of VIC and NSW). It’s the coldest place I’ve ever been in my life. I’m sharing a room with three other guys who are fresh out of recruit training. It’s a bit of a shock having to share a room again but I can put up with it for the seven weeks I’m here (considering I’ll be spending every weekend in Canberra or Melbourne).

My training will be in the not-so-exciting field of supply, which I’ll update on as it progresses (hahha sif I’ll update). Yep.

I’m otherwise getting fat and cranky. And paragraphing and punctuation are for jubes.

The Fall

So today I, for the first time in over ten years, went for a bicycle ride with some of the people I work with. As my bikes are all of the motorised variety I had to borrow one off a mate. This bike was pretty good I guess, but there was something about it I couldn’t get my head around.

Why make a bike with…

These front shocks and tyres:

This rear shock absorber (note the thick tubing):

And this warning label:

How crazy.

I’ll give the ride credit for being pretty fun (and bike-track only, thanks Canberra) but cyclists are all crazy and annoying and should be shot.

Out.

G20.

I hate G20 protests.

Anyone wearing a mask is a coward and should be assumed a criminal. Anyone causing violence to police should have limbs amputated. Anyone caught destroying property should be branded. Anyone else present should be sent to labour camps.

Most politicians are wastes of space and if the recession/global warming/world peace was so important then action would be taken regularly and decisively instead of the occasional summit being hosted. This said, I don’t believe they’re all getting together to do drugs and party. Let them do their thing and hopefully something good will come of it.

Smashing windows and throwing paint bombs at riot police isn’t protest. It’s vandalism and affray.

Tear gas and flame throwers next time, Gordon.

Twitter.

I twitter. I’m no different than any other tweeter (boring and self-absorbed) but go ahead and follow me anyway.

Magic Dirt

First, we will appreciate the music.

Not everything is brilliant, but they have an extremely healthy good:bad ratio.

Second:

Adalita is a babe.

Get into them or gtfo.

The whacky antics of Billy!

R.I.P Georgie

Assumed to have been born sometime in 1993 and raised by cruel people. Saved from the pound sometime in 1996. Died peacefully on the lounge room floor back home today.

She didn’t know how to sit, stay or fetch, and is the only dog I’ve ever known to actually eat homework. She loved me almost as much as she loved not staying on her mat when she was told to.

Have a great weekend everyone.

~

The Outsider

I have re-read The Outsider.

It was pretty good. The copy I got a hold of was my friend’s school text so it was filled with highlighting and notes which made it more interesting. I also found my original book review on it from about ten years ago and was surprised to find I didn’t really like it. Wonder why I was so keen to re-read it..

Anyway. It’s off The List, fuckers. I’m a slum-running gun.

~